You've had those moments, I'm sure, where some arbitrary event that ordinarily wouldn't phase you if you read about it in a newspaper is told to you by a friend or family member, and it acts like a big fat bitchslap, and wakes you to what reality is really like. I had two of those in the past two days. The one, which was to do with how people define cheating, well, I refuse to go into it. As for the other, well....

I received a phone call from Candi, one of my cousins, today. She lives in Worcester. I hadn't heard from her in ages, so the call came as quite a surprise. And hearing how her life had changed surprised me. In what must have been a period of 6 odd months, since I heard from her last, she'd lost her virginity, gotten engaged to be married, and moved out of her mom's house.

So, one might say she was getting on with her life. She was "going places". She was "doing things people have the desire to do". She has someone she "loves.", and she's moved out of her mom's house. She's experiencing new things. She's living for the moment. And it's her birthday on Sunday to boot. Doesn't it just sound like life is so going her way?

I'll be sure to phone her up and wish her a happy birthday on Sunday.... A happy... sweet, MOTHERFUCKING sixteenth... birthday....



I couldn't honestly believe this was my baby cousin I was talking to. I was so taken aback, I wasn't sure if I should congratulate her, or scold her. To be honest, I felt as if I should give her a lecture. "You're fucking up your life!", I would've said. But I didn't. I also can't get the fact that her fiance is barely older than me... and any person that has any ties to reality would ask themselves what he wants from her. (Sex? Probably....)

The thing is, ultimately, I felt as if I'd be a bit of an ass, if I scolded her. It's not as if I have any say over what she does. And I could hear her response: "Why should YOU care? It's none of your business!". And being in Johannesburg, it's not as if I could actually show her that I do care. The only way I could convey any emotions would be through tone and language, and one can easily misunderstand that. I feel that I'd need to confront her personally to be able to help her at all.



I think the worst thing for me, though, was the apathetic way I felt about it. I used to want to help people. Once upon a time, I would've tried to explain to her in the most tactful way possible that she is potentially fucking up her life. I honestly would've.

But now, well, I just feel compelled to sit down, fasten my safety harness, ensure that my seatback is in an upright position, and see where this turbulent journey we call life takes everyone I know, in particular, her. I resigned myself to the fact that I felt I would not be able to help her.

And you ask why? Well, through the course of this year, I've become aware of a gut feel that tells me what is viable, and what isn't... and my gut feel is telling me that my efforts in this regard wouldn't achieve anything anyway. I wouldn't simply resign myself to "fate" in this regard if I felt I could do anything about it.

I pray to whatever deity may exist that she turns out for the best. She has a beautifully sweet nature. It's sad to see what life can do to those who are potentially the sweetest, and in being so sweet, the most vulnerable people out there.


You know, I've always hated that word.... "Fate."