3:36 am. I've just woken up. Another one of those nights, obviously. The sad thing is, I popped half a sleeping pill, and it didn't help me much, clearly.

I guess it's sinking in. There are return plane tickets to Seoul sitting right here on my desk. The only obvious conclusion, is that I am going to Korea. How fucking awesome is that? I'm looking forward to the break it's going to give me. I'm also looking forward to getting the opportunity to play against some of the best Unreal Tournament 2003 players across the world. Should I win, should I lose, nothing will rob me of the fact that I ended up going to South Korea for what is my hobby. How cool is that?

If I had to be dead straight about what's keeping me up, I'd say it's Vicky. My mind is racing. It is so clear to me, as I sit here in this chair, that I still have feelings for her. The weird thing is, I've always considered her out of my league, but it seems like she's interested in me... at least, to me, it does....

To basically sum it up, I'd need to tell the tale from last week Thursday, before I went through to Anton's 21st. Now, Vicky is one of those people that believe that all men are bastards, or at least would like you to believe that they think that. I decided to try and prove to her that women are exactly the same, so I told her the story of Andrea, and the story of the chick at The Doors that pulled into me, thus effectively cheating on her boyfriend.

She laughed at the bubblebath sms I quoted her. She vowed to do the same the next morning when she took a bubblebath. That grated me a touch. I'm not a fan of being made fun of when it comes to relationships. I left it though. As I've said, she was friendlier the next morning than she'd been in 5 months. She did send me that sms, though, which I replied to, with a reply that imho had ever so slight connotations.

I thought nothing of her friendliness then, when she hugged me in front of other people, for what was the first time in months... when she put her head on my shoulder in our lecture....(Yes, I'm the guy that didn't notice a gay dude hitting on him until 4 hours thereafter. I'm the dude that didn't click about the cute waitress winking at him until the next morning.) So obviously... I thought nothing of it.

That Monday, on IRC, she said a few things that made me wonder. Firstly, she'd been trying to get ahold of me on my cell number over the course of the weekend. (It had been stolen on Friday, hence, obviously, nobody was getting ahold of me.) I explained the situation to her. She seemed a little upset at the fact that she couldn't phone me. I replied by saying "Well, should we organise coffee for Thursday, seeing as you want to see me, and then you don't have to stress about trying to get ahold of me again before the time?" She replied by saying that she'd just wanted to chat to me. This was a first. She never called... she just never wanted to chat to me....

She also said she'd wash her hair, in a bubblebath, for me, for Thursday. (I arrived there today, her hair still wet...) And when I told her I wanted to get my old phone number back, she told me not to. She reasoned that then bubblebath girl (You've seen the sms quoted in an earlier post) would not have my phone number, and I could be more selective about who I give it out to. Felt like jealousy, to be dead honest.

So, to summarise, her attitude had seemingly taken a 180. There was also the fact that she'd been apparently pondering the fact that I hadn't hugged her at Anton's 21st, three days later, which she mentioned to a mutual friend of mine. As if she'd ever have been concerned before? Total 180, in my books....

Well, yesterday, we went for coffee. As I mentioned, I noticed the washed hair, blah blah blah. That could mean anything, or nothing.

Anyway, she asked me where I was keen on going for coffee. I named a mall, and suggested walking around there until something grabbed my eye. We left her place, and went to a local mall, Cresta. Ultimately, I ended up choosing a coffee shop.

"Table for two, non-smoking?" the waiter asked. I nodded my head.

So, basically, we got shown to a weird table. It was part booth, and part normal table, with chairs. Vicky chose to sit at the end of the booth, so, to make sure I could face her, for conversation's sake, I sat down on the other end of the booth stool.

What I heard next blew me out the water. I was absolutely 100% sure I was hallucinating, at the time....

So I asked her to please repeat what she said. There was a slight silence, followed by her changing the topic. I sort of deflected the topic change, and asked her again. Her words to me, "Why do you have to sit so far away?"

Now, to be honest, I can think of two possible reasons for her saying that. Either she's feeling insecure, and cannot figure out why I apparently am not showing attraction for her, when plenty of other guys are... or she's genuinely interested in me, for me....

I've resolved to confront her about it today. My emotions have been fucked around with in a big way since I met her. I told her how I felt at one stage. I also told her that because she was involved, I would make an effort to be a platonic friend, for the sake of making her life easy. She knows I have/had feelings for her. And for crying out loud, you do not say something like she said to me to someone you consider a platonic friend, if you don't want them to read into it. Add that to the fact that she knows that I definitely did at one stage like her.

Basically, to sum it all up, I'm either climbing onto the plane tomorrow in the happiest mood of my life, or in the angriest mood of my life. We'll either have resolved to do something about what appears to be mutual feelings, or I'll have told her to get bent, because she's callously messing with my feelings. (a far cry from gender stereotypes, eh? A guy telling a female to butt out of his life because she's toying with his feelings)

If these feelings that I finally managed to suppress can be brought back into play in less than the space of a week through her actions, and she ends up wanting to remain platonic friends, I will throw my toys out the cot. I don't even want to know what I'll do. Best case scenario, she'll be the last person I want to see for the next I don't know how long.

I guess however you look at it, things are going to change... and they will never be the same....