Blogs are weird in that you can look back on events, see exactly what you were thinking, and want to slap yourself for being so fucking stupid. At least I can blame a reasonable number of the fucked up blogs I've written on depressants, namely alcohol and sleeping pills. I actually need to stop putting my body through the amount of crap that I put it through. I'm almost guaranteed to deprive myself of sleep two weekends out of every month. Add alcohol to the equation, as well as sleeping pills at a later stage to throw my rhythm back into normality, and you've got a recipe that's probably about as good for fucking up your body as you can possibly get while still observing laws pertaining to illegal substances. Save maybe taking up chain-smoking.

One of the reasons I think this, is because there was a time where I felt as if I was going mad, and losing my conscience. I was battling to sleep at the time and as a result was taking sleeping pills on a regular basis. Sure enough, soon after I went off the sleeping pills for a short period, I started to feel normal again. It might be a good idea to remind myself of that whenever I contemplate taking sleeping pills.

I eventually realized what Vicky was getting at, and I think it may just be a good idea to not pursue that friendship too actively at the moment. The thing is, I don't want to play that game. I've already tried, and I'm just going to mindfuck myself into oblivion if I think about it anymore. It honestly just fucking isn't worth it anymore. In retrospect, it doesn't seem like it was ever worth it. She still doesn't trust me. So what have I gained in ten months? I can't answer that.

As cold as it sounds, she has my number. I'm sick of trying to understand someone who won't open up to me. There's no point in that. And, as she put it, she has her female friends if she needs any advice. What does she get out of our friendship? Not much, if the time and effort she's put into it are indicative of how much she values it.