I think I've figured out how to live my life. How to motivate myself. More on this soon, I guess. I'm going to have to give it significant thought.

As of late, I've been wondering about life in general. Where am I going? What do I want to become? Should I be concerned about the fact that I don't feel particularly excited by any possible career option? Regardless, it just means I'm either going to have to research possibilities a bit more. Either that, or resign myself to doing some mainstream course that doesn't particularly excite me.

Ultimately, I might get lucky, and find that I truly enjoy the mainstream course I end up choosing. I just certainly don't think it'd be any of the subjects I'm doing now, with the possible exception of Psychology. I'll be sure to look into possible avenues in that field.

I guess the point I just want to get at, is I've had a year to think on it. I haven't achieved any closure. I'm still as clueless as I was at this same point in time last year. I feel like I'm fresh out of Matric. I've been to varsity. I chose subjects with the view of experimenting and investigating possible interests. And I'm still clueless.

This makes me think back to when someone quite wise expained to me that work wasn't about enjoyment. It was about making money.

But surely, surely, it's possible to enjoy your vocation and make money?

I didn't like this entry much.

You've had those moments, I'm sure, where some arbitrary event that ordinarily wouldn't phase you if you read about it in a newspaper is told to you by a friend or family member, and it acts like a big fat bitchslap, and wakes you to what reality is really like. I had two of those in the past two days. The one, which was to do with how people define cheating, well, I refuse to go into it. As for the other, well....

I received a phone call from Candi, one of my cousins, today. She lives in Worcester. I hadn't heard from her in ages, so the call came as quite a surprise. And hearing how her life had changed surprised me. In what must have been a period of 6 odd months, since I heard from her last, she'd lost her virginity, gotten engaged to be married, and moved out of her mom's house.

So, one might say she was getting on with her life. She was "going places". She was "doing things people have the desire to do". She has someone she "loves.", and she's moved out of her mom's house. She's experiencing new things. She's living for the moment. And it's her birthday on Sunday to boot. Doesn't it just sound like life is so going her way?

I'll be sure to phone her up and wish her a happy birthday on Sunday.... A happy... sweet, MOTHERFUCKING sixteenth... birthday....



I couldn't honestly believe this was my baby cousin I was talking to. I was so taken aback, I wasn't sure if I should congratulate her, or scold her. To be honest, I felt as if I should give her a lecture. "You're fucking up your life!", I would've said. But I didn't. I also can't get the fact that her fiance is barely older than me... and any person that has any ties to reality would ask themselves what he wants from her. (Sex? Probably....)

The thing is, ultimately, I felt as if I'd be a bit of an ass, if I scolded her. It's not as if I have any say over what she does. And I could hear her response: "Why should YOU care? It's none of your business!". And being in Johannesburg, it's not as if I could actually show her that I do care. The only way I could convey any emotions would be through tone and language, and one can easily misunderstand that. I feel that I'd need to confront her personally to be able to help her at all.



I think the worst thing for me, though, was the apathetic way I felt about it. I used to want to help people. Once upon a time, I would've tried to explain to her in the most tactful way possible that she is potentially fucking up her life. I honestly would've.

But now, well, I just feel compelled to sit down, fasten my safety harness, ensure that my seatback is in an upright position, and see where this turbulent journey we call life takes everyone I know, in particular, her. I resigned myself to the fact that I felt I would not be able to help her.

And you ask why? Well, through the course of this year, I've become aware of a gut feel that tells me what is viable, and what isn't... and my gut feel is telling me that my efforts in this regard wouldn't achieve anything anyway. I wouldn't simply resign myself to "fate" in this regard if I felt I could do anything about it.

I pray to whatever deity may exist that she turns out for the best. She has a beautifully sweet nature. It's sad to see what life can do to those who are potentially the sweetest, and in being so sweet, the most vulnerable people out there.


You know, I've always hated that word.... "Fate."

There's been a noticable lack of updates as of late, the reasons being I finished exams on Thursday, and I went to LAN with a bunch of leetbois this weekend. I actually intended to go through at around 10 am on, Saturday morning, but at about 1 am at home, I decided to mission through anyhow, since they were all still awake.

It's good to see a group of guys that'll actually play games at LANs. Granted, sometimes getting everyone to play the same game at the same time was a bit of a nightmare, but the games we did get up were far more enjoyable than computer games have been for me of late.
But my sack... the games of Quake and StarCraft were fucking legendary.

Saturday morning came along, as did teh_ruckby! Myself, Rince, Surdah, Boots, and Dunax cracked open a couple of beers, and watched. Later on we had a braai. A bit further on, myself, kama, and LeG missioned to the garage to pick up late night snacks, and then we indulged in some late night UMS'ing. And as for Sunday morning, well... that saw more games, and kama getting woken up by some good-old-fashioned-home-style teabagging from warcow. All in all, a fucking awesome weekend. More fun than I've had in ages.

They are a class bunch of guys. I must definitely make sure I irritate them into inviting me to the next LAN they have.

It's nearly 6 am, and I'm still battling to sleep. I've just taken a sleeping pill, and I'm listening to music. Hopefully this'll chill me out. I could certainly use some relaxation.

For some odd reason, I haven't felt sober for the past week. My emotions are totally numb. I'm starting to think that I can half understand why people go nuts. I'd like to think that I'm pretty solid, both mentally and emotionally, but right now, I feel as if my mind is being beaten into submission by the injustices humanity inflicts upon itself. And what's the end result?

You change. You find yourself changing in ways you'd never have let yourself change in before. And the question I'm posing is this: How does one know they're bordering on the verge of insanity?

Obviously it's not as if there's this big fucking sign that passes you by, saying, "Last off-ramp before insanity - 500 metres.".

So, ultimately, would you really know if you're going mad? And what sets you off on that journey down that brilliant delusional dream path of insanity? Lastly, and most importantly, is the name of the first insanity-highway's rest-stop's restaurant the "Your Emotions Are Numbing Diner"?

I pray to whatever fucking deity actually does exist that that isn't the case, unless insanity is more interesting than sanity.

Now listening to: The Soundtrack from Fight Club

P.S. Big it up for my main man David Green, who recently moved to the UK. He turned 21 last week. Congrats, my man. May you have many more.

After a series of exams, a couple of all-nighter exam-cram sessions, one screwed up sleeping pattern, and my watching Fight Club one more time, I'm finally in the mood for updating my blog.

Amidst sleepless hours, thousands of lines of text, gallons of coffee, numerous headache tablets, and the kind of silence that only night can bring, one can really meditate on one's purpose in life. Not that it'll necessarily do you any good, mind you.



"The determined scholar and the man of virtue will not seek to live at the expense of injuring their virtue. They will even sacrifice their lives to preserve their virtue complete." - Confucious



We've all questioned ourselves at one stage or another. You know you've questioned your morals, your beliefs, your outlooks, your purpose, ultimately, your very existence. And perhaps you've resolved to change yourself in ways that make you better. But then again, on the other side of the same coin, perhaps you've decided to make yourself "worse", or at least, that's what your moral reasoning would define the changes as.

The thing is, you've got to resign yourself to certain things in order to make your own life bearable. Wars are waged, hundreds of people are murdered on a daily basis, tens of thousands of people are apparently raped each day, but apart from that, you're doing fine, right?

Ultimately, I think every person needs to resign themselves to certain things. Life would be unbearable without the ability to resign ourselves to certain things. I could list many a thing that one might be forced to resign themselves to: the death of a loved one; losing something you hold dear; the fact that we're all going to die.

I could go on forever, but I think you catch what I'm hinting at. Basically, over the past few weeks, I've just been asking myself a series of questions for the past while that I'll leave you with to ponder on.

1. What is your purpose of life?
2. How frequently have you heard of people foregoing their moral beliefs simply because they make their life harder?
3. What have you resigned yourself to over the period of your life?

The more I live, the less I feel. The more I live, the more I choose to feel less.

I think the reason I started this blog has finally become apparent to me.

Victor Hugo once said, "The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

I think this venting, this complaining, this bitching, has all been because I have yet to meet a single person who I feel would truly love me for who I am, rather than simply for what they could possibly receive from me. Call it insecure, if you will. I certainly wouldn't argue that it isn't.

And while I can live with who I am, I tend to feel that there's something missing, and to be honest, I think that tonight, I finally clicked.

Oddly enough, for some odd reason, I'm feeling more cheerful tonight than I have in a long time, to boot. Go figure.

Listening to: Death In Vegas - Dirge

Awesome band, that.