Whee! Cheerful4tehwin! Life is sweet. Things are all going my way again. More on that later, when I'm not under the influence of sleep deprivation and alcohol.

I is been having bitches problems, which would normally be easily sorted, but unfortunately, I is not a pimp. I can't just go cap some fucker that's been messing wit' my bitches, because no fucker has been messing wit' my bitches. I don't have any bitches. Fuck, I don't even have any leet bling bling Mr T. style, so I'm somewhat ill-equipped to deal with bitches problems.

To be perfectly blunt, I had an absolutely shitty week with regard to females. At least I'm starting to mellow out a bit now, though. I basically resolved that I'm not going to bother to keep contact with one of my female friends anymore, since it's more trouble than it's worth. Her issues, her apparent intentional fucking with me, her baggage, and her inability to just fucking keep it the fuck out of the friendship has just got me livid now, to be perfectly fucking blunt. Selfishness-on-my-side apart, I feel that I could have far more meaningful friendships if I invested half the amount of time I've invested into that relationship into developing relationships with other people. Plus it'd be better for my mental state. I wouldn't go all homicidal all too often, which is obviously a good thing.

The thing is, for what it's worth, I ended up rekindling an old primary school relationship with a friend by the name of Jacqueline. In what took less than ten hours, the relationship had reached a point where I felt like I'd met my twin sister who'd been separated from me at birth. She shared so much with me, so quickly, that it astonished me. I love the prospect of a relationship like that, where I'm close to someone, yet there's no sex involved or implied. It's an amazingly beautiful relationship to have with someone. And this was developed in ten hours. So why did I waste eleven months dealing with someone else's baggage?

Although, with my luck, Jacqu fancies me, which is why the self-disclosure came so quickly. I don't need a relationship. It's too much trouble for me to handle at this point in my life. That, and she has a boyfriend in her life. With my luck, they've broken up this weekend, and I get to hear all about it this week. I'd be the emotional crutch for a breakup... and that's good, in that I'd be there to support her. But I don't want feelings to develop. Or maybe I do... I dunno. She's actually a great girl....

Another relationship that's formed recently is one of friendship between myself and another girl at Varsity, Chara. My other friend Nicole reasons that Chara likes me, which got to me somewhat, because I caught myself thinking that exact same thing a few days before she mentioned it to me. The term 'like' being used in a broad sense in my case, however. Whatever the case, I'm definitely not right for her, and I can see it from a mile away.

And the cherry on top would be my relationship with Nicole. I actually think I'm starting to fall for her. She has a somewhat blunt personality, to the extent that she'd let you know what she's thinking, but in a perfectly tactful way. She'd never hurt peoples' feelings. So at least I'd know where I stand with her, should she ever break up with the boyfriend that she's been 'wanting to break up with' for the last week. I still don't need the relationship (with respect to varsity work) though.

Not to mention she's attractive, smart, down to earth, doesn't put on airs, is honest... the list goes on. Knowing my luck, she sticks with her boyfriend. Worst case scenario, we end up friends, which isn't bad, I suppose.

The last thing I need is a relationship. I need to settle into a rhythm at Varsity. But in her case, and in Jacqueline's case, I'd actually want it with them, despite how it'd throw my life out of whack. I think there are two girls who would be worth it, in that sense. They really would be worth it, although I think it'd be best right now if Jacqui has a meaningful relationship with someone whom can give her the attention and time she deserves. Which is why I'd rather remain like in the long lost twin brother type relationship. I need a relationship like that too.

I think though, that I feel I need a relationship, to be honest. Just something fulfilling. Maybe it'll be disruptive, but if I had the chance with Jacqui or Nicole, I'd take it. It'd be well worth whatever it brings.

There's one aspect of human existence that intrigues me. It's to do with the way certain people are vulnerable to certain kinds of emotional scarring in certain situations.... Divorce, rape, child abuse, bullying, and abusive relationships, be the abuse purely emotional, or physical and emotional. Obviously, all these examples would affect us all, yet in different ways. Some of us would be subtly affected, yet for some of us, the baggage we'd take away at the end of it would be scary. We'd bury it, try andput it behind us, and remain forever changed, such is the frailty of humankind. But unfortunately the graves we dig in situations like these are far too shallow for our own good.

The amount of pain we can inflict upon others, should we so choose, is scary. And how many of us are responsible enough to keep the effect our actions will have on others in mind?

Even if we still mean well, it is surprisingly easy to hurt others through our actions. A good example of this would be certain suicide cases. In many cases, the person feels that they're a burden, and that the world would be better off without them, hence they pop enough depressants, and perhaps drink some alcohol, all in the hopes that it'd slow their heartbeat to the point where their vital functions cut off, and they pass away. Imagine what that could potentially do to the people left behind.

And should any event in a person's be stressful enough, it can break a person. It can essentially shatter that person's persona, leaving hundreds, if not thousands of little 'shards' of personality with which the person needs to essentially reconstruct themself. To essentially piece themselves back together. One majorly fucking complicated jigsaw puzzle, where you can't distinguish which pieces belong where.

And in the end that jigsaw puzzle almost always end up coming out looking nothing like it used to.

Blogs are weird in that you can look back on events, see exactly what you were thinking, and want to slap yourself for being so fucking stupid. At least I can blame a reasonable number of the fucked up blogs I've written on depressants, namely alcohol and sleeping pills. I actually need to stop putting my body through the amount of crap that I put it through. I'm almost guaranteed to deprive myself of sleep two weekends out of every month. Add alcohol to the equation, as well as sleeping pills at a later stage to throw my rhythm back into normality, and you've got a recipe that's probably about as good for fucking up your body as you can possibly get while still observing laws pertaining to illegal substances. Save maybe taking up chain-smoking.

One of the reasons I think this, is because there was a time where I felt as if I was going mad, and losing my conscience. I was battling to sleep at the time and as a result was taking sleeping pills on a regular basis. Sure enough, soon after I went off the sleeping pills for a short period, I started to feel normal again. It might be a good idea to remind myself of that whenever I contemplate taking sleeping pills.

I eventually realized what Vicky was getting at, and I think it may just be a good idea to not pursue that friendship too actively at the moment. The thing is, I don't want to play that game. I've already tried, and I'm just going to mindfuck myself into oblivion if I think about it anymore. It honestly just fucking isn't worth it anymore. In retrospect, it doesn't seem like it was ever worth it. She still doesn't trust me. So what have I gained in ten months? I can't answer that.

As cold as it sounds, she has my number. I'm sick of trying to understand someone who won't open up to me. There's no point in that. And, as she put it, she has her female friends if she needs any advice. What does she get out of our friendship? Not much, if the time and effort she's put into it are indicative of how much she values it.

Ever had a discussion where you feel you're being lied to? And you can't tell the person that they're lying, because you don't have proof? I'm sure you have. It's the kind of conversation where it seems as if the other person prods the topic of conversation in a convenient direction, responds to your questions with questions of their own, and it just generally leaves you with a hollow, discontented feeling inside of yourself.

I get those too often for my liking.

Either that(the previous blog), or my apparent absolute insensitivity about all things romantic (ie Valentine's Day) upset her. Or she felt I took her as being materialistic.

What can I say? I believe romanticism transcends any particular date designed to make any group in particular a fuckload of extra cash. I don't need Valentine's Day as an excuse to buy any person I care for a bunch of flowers. Hence my disgust in Valentine's Day, where the gifts, which are mostly given in an attempt to get nookie, seem to be expected. I'd feel that people would perceive me as insincere if I gave them a gift on Valentine's Day.

And I don't know if she's materialistic, or a hurt hopeless romantic. Who knows how many facades she could be putting on? How the fuck is anyone supposed to understand anyone else that puts up a facade? Not very easily....

All I know is whatever happened on Thursday has her thinking about me a fuckload, and I don't know why. Maybe my apparent insensitivity hurt her. Fuck knows. I don't know. This is what I want to find out.

God. I received an sms at 1 am this morning.... "I wonder which drunken female is messaging me now?", I joked to Rob, since he was there at the time.

"Try as you might you will never understand me. Other girls? Maybe - who knows? But me? NEVER. And I've never been more certain of anything in my life..." the sms read. And the tequila mindfuck quotient... well, you get the idea, I'm sure....

More than 24 hours later, what I'd said to her was still getting to her. And it wasn't even a case of me trying to understand her when we argued.... I wasn't arguing that I understood her at all. Rather, I think she's scared of me understanding her....

I've never felt like anyone has been more afraid of me in my life, and it's because of her in-built self-defense mechanisms. Her "All men are bastards." mindset, and her "I don't trust you. You're male." mindset, both cases in point... and she's been hurt way more than anyone deserves already, and is scared I'm going to be the next to hurt her. It seems like I'm already hurting her, just by being myself.... I think she doesn't understand me, and it scares her shitless....

I just want to sit down and talk to her about it, and I sms'ed her back asking if we could go for coffee this week.... She ignored me, but I'm not going to let this just slide. It needs closure, and now. She needs to stop hurting. She needs to start trusting me. And maybe she's right. Maybe one day I will hurt her, inadvertantly, but I'm human. We all make mistakes. No matter what mistakes I might make, the last thing I want to do is hurt her.

Nobody should battle with so much internal conflict simply because they're scared of trusting people, scared of letting people know that they're vulnerable.... Ironically, for only the second time in the ten months I've known her, she let me see something she doesn't want anyone to see. She let me see her weakness....

The current tequila mindfuck quota tonight is sitting at about seven. I have never honestly lost faith in a person as quickly as I did in a certain someone tonight. They "love the commercialism behind Valentine's day.". They're so happy that they're "doing something on Valentine's day."

The person in question reckons that the only way to "prove affection" is through giving gifts that cost money, because talk is cheap she reasons. But don't get her wrong. She "isn't materialistic.". No, not at all.

Also, I'm "unromantic" because I feel that Valentine's Day is all about buying affection. But let's honestly face facts here. If I wanted to fuck, I don't need a stupid excuse like Valentine's Day to get someone into bed. The reason I'm still a fucking virgin is because I'm a hopeless fucking romantic. Moreover, I also don't know anyone that I feel would take it the right way if I asked them out on Valentine's Day. They wouldn't perceive it as a gesture of romanticism. Rather, they'd be thinking I'm out to fuck 'em. So why waste my time on nothing?

Basically what the person in question said, once you look at it objectively, is that relationships are so fucking close to prostitution, the only exception being that you at least know that you're going to get laid with a prostitute. Whereas, if you buy the person in question any gift whatsoever, you're pushing your luck if you expect any real gratitude besides a fucking hug.

I also ended up being told that I don't understand women. Unfortunately, I do understand her, and I see right through her. She wants some dumb fucker to spoil her fucking rotten with expensive gifts, and not be obligated to give anything material back. She wants some absolute retard who she can mold into whatever the fuck she wants to mold him into.

And if she doesn't fix her attitude problem, and fast, she's going to die a single, lonely woman.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm going to coin another new term: Prostitute slot game: a term for a modern day relationship entered into by most anyone from age eighteen through thirty-five.

Listening to: Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

I want her the fuck out of my life. Really, I do. I'm so fucking gatvol.

Triple tequila mindfuck quota: a term I have coined to detail the quota of tequila you need to drink consecutively to get over something that mindfucked the living hell out of you.

The situation wherein the phrase was coined: A woman wanted to fuck me simply because of what was written on my shirt.

The writing on the shirt in question: "Leave me alone... I'm having a sexual fantasy."

Karl's confusion level, on a scale of one to ten:. estimated to be thirteen and a quarter, at the very minimum

Listening to: Rage Against The Machine

It's been ages since I last posted. Life has been so damned hectic, it's unbelievable. And yet, life has been so damned sweet as of late as well.

Christmas was surprisingly pleasant. I spent it with my mother. And as for New Year's eve', I spent that with my cousins at Sun City. Spending time with people like them kind of gives me a perspective on people who actually aren't like everyone else. It kind of makes me realize that we all have our flaws. Some of us moreso than others, as well.

The New Year seems like it's going to be a decent one. At the very least, it certainly has been interesting thus far. From the start of the year, I've been plagued by unpleasant dreams. I wouldn't call them nightmares, but they certainly were twisted. For most of them, I was female in the dream. And the dreams revolved around the examination of my relationships, past and present. It seemed almost as if my subconscious was performing a reflection upon my past relationships, both potential and not-a-fucking-chance-of-happening relationships, and highlighting where I'd gone wrong. Where I could've gone right. What I maybe should've done differently.

On the way through to Sun City shortly before New Year's eve', I also got a stunning time to think hard on how certain relationships that I'd been through with people had affected my outlook on life somewhat. For both bad ann worse, of course. More on this later, I guess.

It was my birthday yesterday. I organised a braai at Anton's clubhouse. Gotta big it up to the man for offering me the use of it. And the braai was really cool too. A really awesome number of my mates came through for it. There was general merriment, etc etc. And in all, it was good. It was good. Certain people were missed, simply because of the awesome personalities they have. "No braai is a braai without our own human bellows, James.", I've heard mentioned often. James is just a brilliant dude. It's a pity he was in London. Everyone I invited had something to offer to the party, be it just their own personalities. I don't think I know a truly unpleasant person on a truly familiar basis. I actually have a great set of friends.

Despite the rain, everyones' attitudes were cheerful. It was really awesome. I'm going to have to go into the Vicky saga tomorrow though, for definite. There've been new developments there that kind of leave me feeling uneasy. And there's the Simoné event, which kind of just slapped me in the face. I'll get onto these topics tomorrow. It's getting late, and I have to be up for Applied Maths in about 8 or so hours.

Just a few closing words on the two things that kind of got to me about yesterday. They're showing to me that I'm not the person I used to be. Should I have hit a home run yesterday with Simoné? Why the fuck not? I mean, what's actually worth keeping celibate for? Everyone is either a stuck up selfish female interested in money, or they're interested in sex. There is no exception to these two above-mentioned rules. Or the exceptions are hiding from me.

I've coined a new phrase: Triple tequila mindfuck quota.